Scars (Hunter x Hunter one shot)
by Kirbydesu248
Summary: Killua has scars. Many he tries covering, others he doesn't bother with. Each scar has a story- though he admits that many are made up. Sometimes when you have so many emotional scars, you need the physical ones as a distraction. TRIGGER WARNING: Contains self-harm. M for self-harm and language. Review Please!


A/N: I got this idea partly from watching Phantom Rouge. This came as a result. Sorry, not sorry. I've actually TRIED writing fluffy fics. But depressing and dramatic pieces are just so much easier.

 _ **Trigger warning!**_ This story contains self-harm. Self-harming is very serious and I do not condone it in any way shape or form. It's an issue that's very personal to me. It's actually taken me a while to write this just because of how much of an important topic this is for me. I wanted to portray the thoughts and ideas around the topic as accurately as possible, using what I know on a personal level and what I know from watching Phantom Rouge. I do not wish to glorify cutting or depression, nor do I want a cliché story. So I really tried with this (even though I'm fairly certain the ending is cheesy. I guess I just wanted something light-hearted in this mess of a story?). Aaaaaanyway. Here it is.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the HxH franchise.

…

Scars

Killua had origin stories for each of his scars- pretty convincing ones, in his opinion. Sometimes he'd worry that he'd gone a little overboard with some of the extravagant tales, but Gon never questioned them so he suspected that he was in the clear.

That was one of the reasons why he willingly went along on so many of his best friend's adventures- it gave him another reason to have scars. It gave another excuse. All it would take would be one swipe of his sharp nails when Gon wasn't paying attention. Gon would see blood dripping and fret over Killua getting hurt while Killua would just brush it off, telling him that he had been careless while fighting.

Killua would lie to his best friend, again and again. He felt bad for it, of course. He didn't _want_ to lie to him. But he knew that Gon would freak out if he knew the truth. He wouldn't understand. He _couldn't_ understand. When you have so many emotional scars, sometimes the only distractions are the physical ones. So Killua would make more, and he would lie to his best friend.

He wasn't sure when it started. He remembered the first cut, but he didn't remember when exactly it was that he became so dependent on them. He knew that it was after he became a killer. He'd wanted to know what it felt like, being impaled by his nails. He wanted to suffer like his victims did. He felt that he _deserved_ to. The guilt ate him alive. But that wasn't why he kept doing it.

He didn't know when, but at some point, he became numb. _Hollow_. It didn't matter to him because _nothing_ mattered to him. After a while, he felt so sick with himself, with what he had and hadn't done, that he desensitized himself of it all. He wiped himself clean of all emotion, of all feeling. He found that cutting himself with those sharp nails of his that could so easily be made into his own personal weapon was the only way that he could truly _feel_ anymore. But then he met Gon and things got better. _Should_ have gotten better, at least.

It annoyed him. No, more than that, it _angered_ him that he still needed to cut when he was with Gon. _Why?_ Why should he need to? Gon made him happy. He made him laugh and smile and dream again. He was his _best friend_. He was the only one who didn't make him feel guilt for his past. He was his light in the darkness. He was the only one who made him feel like he was more than a monster and that he didn't _need_ to cut. But yet he would still find himself making small incisions in places he was sure that Gon wouldn't notice. He felt happy around him. He shouldn't need this. _So why?_

It was _because_ he was happy that he felt he needed to. The former assassin didn't deserve to feel such happiness. He deserved to be reminded of the lives that he took. And he deserved to be reminded of them _every single day_. He deserved to be reminded that he was nothing but a puppet of darkness. He deserved to be reminded that he would leave Gon, that he would _hurt_ him. And, after Gon fought Pitou, Killua needed to remind himself that he really _didn't_ matter- to Gon or to anyone else.

They separated and Killua was only left with his sister. He loved her- he really did. But he was also grateful that she was even more oblivious than Gon. He could cut until his heart was content, and, as long as he did it in hidden areas of his body, she wouldn't notice a thing. He took this to his advantage and this time he _did_ go overboard. He would wake himself up at night, clothes drenched in blood from where he clawed at his frail skin in the dead of sleep. If Alluka had noticed, she hadn't said anything. And Killua was glad. Because the nightmares that plagued him night after night, of his training and his family and of Gon, were enough to deal with.

But she _did_ notice. She didn't notice the cuts, not at first. But she noticed her brother's behavior. He was still kind to her and spoiled and loved her. But he wasn't the same boy who would play with her when they were children. He was guarded, dark, hardened. Underneath his smiles and shining eyes, she knew lie an unspeakable pain that she didn't understand. She would cower in her bed, watching as he cried and mutilated his own skin as he slept. She watched as the smile returned the next day, only for the horror-filled events to repeat themselves night after night. It _scared_ her to know that her big brother, whom she thought the world of, was suffering in silence. Then she saw him cutting when he was awake. He must have thought she was sleeping because when she rolled over, opening her eyes, she saw him staring intently at a portion of his leg, nails drawn and dragging down the skin. She had to cover her mouth keep from screaming.

…..

"Hello?" A chipper voice tore through the phone speaker after several rings. Alluka looked behind her, nervously, at the closed bathroom door, the sound of the shower running calming her nerves.

"Gon? It's Alluka." She spoke in a whisper, fearing her older brother overhearing. Breathing hitched on the other end of the line.

"Alluka! How are you? I haven't heard from you or Killua since we separated!" Alluka could pick up on the slight hurt in his voice at the last statement. She noticed it because it was the same hurt in her big brother's voice whenever he spoke of Gon, as if he were only a distant memory that pained him to think of.

"I'm okay. But big brother's…" She trailed off, looking towards the bathroom again.

"Killua's what? Is everything okay?" Gon's usually bubbly voice turned to one filled with worry and angst. "Why are you using his phone? Is he hurt?"

"Something's wrong with him… He's scaring me…" Alluka's eyes burned with tears, feeling nothing but worry and fear for Killua.

"Scaring you? What's happening? Did he… _hurt_ you?" She could hear anger and disbelief in her friend's voice, panic rising within her.

"N-No!" She covered her mouth quickly, pausing to hear if Killua had noticed her raised voice. When it was quiet for a few seconds, save for the sound of the shower, she continued in a hushed tone, "No, he didn't hurt me... He's hurting _himself_." There was a pause on the other end.

"I don't understand." And he didn't. Alluka could tell by the tone of his voice, laced with confusion.

"He makes his nails sharp and he cuts himself." Her voice trembled, "I don't know why. He doesn't talk to me about it. And he's sad and cries a lot. And now he's covered in scars."

"Scars…" Unbeknownst to the small girl, Gon was trembling, eyes filled with horror as realization struck him. _Killua always had scars. So many scars. He said they were from assignments, though. He was telling the truth… wasn't he?_

"Gon, I'm scared. Why's he doing this? Why's he hurting himself? Is something wrong?" Alluka raised her voice slightly, shrill worry filling it. "Sometimes he's happy but a lot of times he's not and I don't know why!"

"Where is he now?" Gon still couldn't wrap his mind around it. He didn't _want_ to. He didn't want to imagine his best friend in pain and he didn't want to think about the fact that he, his best friend in the whole world, had been oblivious to it all.

"In the shower. He takes long showers now so it's okay." Both of them flinched at what they imagined caused the showers to take so long. "What do I do, Gon? I don't know how to help…" Alluka whimpered, staring at the door.

"I don't know…" And he didn't. He had no fucking idea what to do. And it made him angrier than he'd ever been. _"I just manipulated my body a bit…"_ It made him sick. _"I used to be a professional…"_ How had he not known? He was his best friend. He should have seen it. "Where are you?"

"I'm by the window."

"No, I mean where are you staying? A hotel?"

"Oh! Yeah, the Grand Yorknew Inn." Gon nodded, determination crossing his features.

"I'll be there as soon as I can. Try to stall him if he tries to leave before I get there." He paced his small bedroom, trying to calm down.

"Okay! I'll do my best!" She paused, feeling relief flood though her for the first time in over a week. She looked out the window, smiling at a robin resting on the window sill, "Thank you for-"

"Alluka? What are you doing?" Killua asked his sister, emerging from the bathroom rubbing a towel through his hair. His expression was innocent enough, honest curiosity. But his eyes were guarded and his body was stiff as he looked from her to the phone in her hand.

"B-Big brother! How was your shower?" She nonchalantly hung up the phone and tossed it on the bed beside her as Killua narrowed his eyes.

"Alluka… who was that?" He took a step toward her as she took one back, laughing nervously.

"No one! Just…the…pizza guy! I ordered us a pizza!" Killua raised an eyebrow, still not letting his guard down.

"If you did, then you failed spectacularly. I use my Hunter's license to pay when I order pizzas. That, or dad's credit card. Either way, you don't have cash and you sure as hell didn't give them any card number." He crossed his arms, "You aren't that dense. So, what were you really doing?"

"I was just talking to-to Leorio! I feel like I'm getting sick!" She let out a rather fake sounding cough and the white-haired boy sighed, getting aggravated.

"Just tell me. Who were you talking to?" She frowned, not sure what the best move would be. Finally she decided that maybe, just maybe, telling the truth would be her only real option.

"I was…" She sighed, feigning innocence, "I was talking to Gon." She saw her brother tense, his eyes hardening, and she was quick to spit out an explanation. "You've been so sad lately, don't think I haven't noticed, and I just wanted to make you feel better! So, I was going to surprise you by having Gon visit since we haven't seen him in so long. I thought it would make you happy…"

"Oh…" She saw several emotions flash through her brother's eyes: suspicion, dread, sadness, then finally a faint trace of happiness. "That's sweet of you, Alluka." He ruffled her hair, giving her one of his soft smiles before frowning, "But you shouldn't keep things from me. Besides, we can't stay here long. It's still too dangerous."

"Please, big brother! I miss Gon! And I know he'll make you happy!" She internally breathed a sigh of relief that he seemed to buy her explanation. He looked as if he were considering it, the frown still present on his lips.

"It's not a good idea, Alluka. I appreciate what you're trying to do. But it's not safe." _And Gon will know that something's up when he sees me._

"Please, big brother… pretty please… with _Chocorobo-kun_ on top! He's my friend, too! And I miss him!" She hugged him, holding him tight despite his struggles. Killua winced as her grip rubbed against fresh wounds.

"Alluka…" He groaned trying to push her away, only causing her to cling tighter. Finally he threw up his hands, exasperated. "Alright, alright! Fine! But that moron had better not take his time getting here."

"Yay!" Alluka jumped up and kissed her brother's cheek before grabbing his phone and dialing Gon's number. "Hi again! Yup! You can come over! I can't wait to see you!" She paused and giggled looking at her wary brother, "Killua's really excited! He's missed you a lot!" The boy in question's face turned bright red and he glared at his sister.

"I am not! And I wouldn't miss an idiot like him!" Killua's face burned with embarrassment as Alluka laughed happily.

"Yes you do! That's why you talk about him in your sleep!" If possible, the former assassin's face turned an even darker shade of red.

"I do _not_! Q-Quit it, Alluka!" He lunged for the phone when he heard it- Gon's laugh through the phone's speaker. That laugh that had both annoyed him and filled him with happiness on so many occasions. He froze, dumbstruck. The girl in front of him giggled and spoke into the phone.

"Yep, he definitely misses you! We can't wait to see you so you better get here soon, 'kay?" She nodded, humming in response. "Bye!"

Not seconds later, Killua tackled her to the ground, glaring at her. The younger of the two squealed, trying to get away. He tossed the phone aside so that it was out of her reach before returning to simply glaring at her.

"'Talk about him in your sleep'? You're dead meat, Alluka. _Dead meat_." The girl laughed nervously, trying to brighten the mood.

"O-Okay, so that was a bad idea."

" _Bad idea_?"

"Really bad idea?"

"Alluka." He raised an eyebrow at her in both disbelief and annoyance before shaking his head. He got up, pulling her up as well. He went to his bed, laying face down.

"Big brother?" The girl questioned, hesitantly. She heard a faint hum in response through the pillow. "I love you." She watched as Killua's head moved to the side, his baby blues meeting hers. He looked… tired.

"I love you too, Alluka."

…

Killua had been good. He _had_ to be good at this point. If he wasn't, Alluka would find out- that's if she didn't already know. Clearly she was more observant than he'd previously given her credit for since she called Gon. She knew that _something_ was up. And whether she suspected correctly yet or not, Killua decided that his best bet would be to be good and to try to refrain from any more self-inflicted wounds.

He smiled. A _lot_. To the point where it hurt his cheeks. He made a conscious effort to keep that smile present at all times. He laughed, probably too much. He hugged his sister and ruffled her hair and spoiled her rotten.

He tried with every fiber of his being to prove to Alluka just how _okay_ he was. Maybe if he could convince her before Gon arrived, then he wouldn't make a fuss and they could just push whatever it was that they had spoken about on the phone under the rug. Killua wasn't sad. He had just been going through a rough patch. That was it. Really.

…...

" _Killua!_ " The white-haired boy flinched at his friend's loud volume, but nevertheless a small smile made its way to his lips and he waved.

"Gon! Keep it down, will ya?" But Gon didn't show any signs of slowing down as he barreled through the crowds towards Killua, eventually colliding with the boy and sending them toppling into the ground with a thud and a fit of familiar giggles. Killua couldn't help it. He really, _really_ couldn't. The feeling was just too familiar, like a ghost of the past. This lovable moron that he called his best friend literally running him over because he just didn't know his strength. It had happened so many times and Killua had _missed_ it.

"I've missed you, Killua." Gon pulled away, smiling sheepishly at him.

"It's only been six months, idiot." Killua rolled his eyes, getting up from the ground and dusting himself off. _But it's felt like an eternity._ "But I guess I've missed you too." He muttered, pink dusting his cheeks.

"Good! Because I don't wanna ever go that long without seeing you again, okay?" Gon hopped up as well, grinning at the blushing boy in front of him.

"Sh-Shut up! Don't say stuff like that!" Gon simply laughed and Killua blushed deeper before hitting him over the head.

"Ow!" The older hunter pouted, rubbing his head before looking around. "Where's Alluka?"

"Back at the hotel. She said something along the lines of 'I wouldn't want to ruin the blessed reunion.'" He rolled his eyes, "She's so weird." Gon giggled and Killua smiled softly at him, not realizing how much he'd missed his friend's company.

"She really cares about you, though." He kicked his foot into the ground, frowning, "We both do."

"What did she tell you?" Killua asked, looking cautious. Gon put a smile back on his face and shrugged.

"Doesn't matter! Let's not talk about it right now. There's a lot I need to tell you since you didn't return any of my messages." He gave Killua a pointed look, clearly annoyed by the fact that he'd been avoiding him. Killua shrugged in return, sitting on a nearby bench.

"Go ahead. Talk away." Gon gave him another annoyed look before sitting down and filling him in on everything that had happened: Gon losing his _Nen_ , Ging sending him home to Whale Island, Mito-san forcing him against his will to do nothing but schoolwork day in and day out.

"Sorry… about your dad, Gon. I know you were excited to find him." Another bit of guilt was added to the pile. _I should have been there for him._ The weight kept building in his chest and his skin itched, a reminder the cuts that hadn't been touched in the days following the phone call. Gon frowned at him, an unreadable expression in those golden eyes.

"It's not your fault. He just… isn't the type of person to be a dad, I guess. Besides, you can't be there _all_ the time. You have to look after Alluka." Somehow that only made Killua feel worse.

"I guess…" _But you're too forgiving, Gon. I could have easily looked after Alluka with you._ He was knocked out of his thoughts when Gon hit the back of his head, _hard_. "Ow! What the hell, Gon?"

"It just felt like the right thing to do." His friend grinned and Killua simply looked at him exasperated.

"It felt right to give me a concussion?"

"Yes." Killua blinked at his beaming friend before facing forward.

"You are without a doubt the weirdest person I've ever met."

"What about Alluka?" Gon tilted his head and Killua put a finger on his chin.

"Okay, you guys are tied." Gon let out a laugh and the weight in Killua's chest got a little lighter.

…..

"…"

"…"

Killua, Gon, and Alluka sat in the hotel room, watching some stupid cartoon. No one said a word as the excitement of the reunion had died down several hours prior. The excitement faded into an unsettling silence, affirming Killua's suspicion that his sister and best friend _knew_. But they insisted on saying _nothing_ , letting the tension build. What made him even more annoyed were the glances Alluka and Gon would send each other and Killua when they thought that he wasn't paying attention. And each and _every_ time Killua got up, they tensed, _especially_ when he left the room to get snacks or use the restroom. Frustrated by yet another knowing look between the two, he stood up to get a soda, noticing them both tense the slightest bit.

"Okay, what the _fuck_ is going on with you guys? Spit it out." Killua seethed, taking a sip.

"Nothing, big brother! What do you mean?" Alluka flashed her innocent blue eyes, batting her eyelashes.

"Oh, don't give me that. You've been acting weird ever since that damn phone call. And _both_ of you change the subject whenever I bring it up and _both_ of you look like you're going to have a stroke whenever I get up to do _anything_. _What the fuck is going on?_ " Killua made a practice to try not to curse. He just never did much, especially around Alluka. But he'd just had it.

"Okay, okay. Just calm down." Gon held up his hands in defeat and Killua couldn't help but let out a laugh. _Gon_ was telling _him_ to calm down? It was always the other way around with them. But he conceded and crossed his arms, staying quiet. "Alluka told me about the scars."

"I told you how I got them. Assignments." Killua replied, tense, attempting to keep the straightest poker-face that he could manage. Gon didn't buy it. In fact, he looked pissed.

"Don't lie to me anymore, Killua. We're friends and friends don't lie to each other. Now _you_ tell _me_ what's going on. Why are you doing this?"

"Doing wha-?"

"Don't lie to me!" Gon cut him off, a mixture of fury and sadness in his eyes. "How many times did you do it, Killua? How many times did you hurt yourself when I was around? How many times did you lie to me?" The weight in Killua's chest was back with a vengeance and his eyes burned with unshed tears.

"A…A lot…" He whispered, looking down.

" _Why_?" Gon's voice was hard, leaving him no way out.

"B-Because it hurts…so much…"

"And mutilating yourself is going to make it better?"

"N-No! Y-Yes.. I-I don't know.."

"Which is it? Because it can't be all of those!" Gon was merciless, not backing down even as he watched Killua break right in front of him.

"I don't know, Gon!" Killua's head snapped up, tears flowing down his cheeks. "I just want it to stop, okay? I just want the pain to stop! I just-!" Gon pulled Killua into a tight hug, holding him close. Blue eyes widened as he felt Gon's own body shake with sobs.

"Please, Killua. Stop. I don't want you hurting anymore." More tears slipped from Killua's eyes as he returned the hug. He looked at Alluka to see her crying too. _I hurt them_ … " _Please…_ It's not fair that you're hurting alone. Friends and family… we're supposed to carry each other. _Let us stop the pain for you_."

"Please… Please make it stop, Gon…" Killua buried his face in the crook of his friend's neck, clinging to him tighter. He felt exhausted, tired from holding it in and tired from letting it out. He felt a warm hand rubbing circles into his back as his body shuddered with the last traces of tears. "I'm sorry… I'm s-so sorry…"

"It's okay, Killua. Just let us help. You're not alone anymore. You have Alluka and I."

"Please, big brother. I wanna help." Killua brought his eyes to Alluka and he gave her a weak smile before closing his eyes, resting against the warmth that was Gon.

"What if I mess up?" The rubbing against his back continued, relaxing him.

"Then we'll help you get back up. I promise, Killua, I'll stay with you forever." Killua didn't even have the energy to blush, the hand against his bad lulling him into the first restful slumber in months.

"Impossible… Idiot.." The last thing he heard as he drifted off was Gon's laugh, light breaking through the darkness. And the weight on his chest was the lightest it had ever felt.


End file.
